14 days later, typing this by my Pa's bedside in the ward at AH - pained and tired from teh unbroken 24/7 bedside vigil eversince the doctors said that he could go at any time. This has stretched into a full two weeks with each day seeing an ineorable decline of bodily functions. From an alert state and frequent requests for water, even humming along to songs sung, today's visage was one of blank stares upwads, eyes rolled up with whites showing, shallow laboured breathing and little movement. And yes, the end is near and although we probably had years to prepare, there's a surreal shock that permeates and drives the soul to a mixture of helplessness, numbness and tired optimism.  He was bedridden a year ago, ad things have  changed radically at the family home. Movements had to be orchestrated with bodily support and all paraphernalia from walkers to wheelchairs, commodes  and such like. Outigs were increasingly difficult and the common refrain of poor dad was that he was very tired.

But in him was a fighter who was clear and lucid. He was still asking about family and financial matters up to a few days be4 his downturn to the vigil days. But still he was strong and cld indicate his preferences for Coke, Ice Cream Soda  and Kopi - I was the one who provided these beverages even as he was incapacitated from ingesting any food or drink for the past 2 weeks. No IV nutrient drip, no Ryles Tube feeding - he was wasting away be4 our very eyes. a sad painful progression to witness. One can only pray that he was in no pain, and that the continuous infusion of Fentanyl went a long way to ease whatever anxieties or pain he was going through.

We said goodbye umpteen times each day f vigil that the family kept, some 12 hour shifts, and oftentimes pulling 6 to 7 hours each day. The idea was not to let him be in the room alone, and provide the warmth of a hand , a head or neck massage, to spray and wet his lips...the only things we cld provide to add comfort in his last days. And so it went on. the end is so very near. the events of the past 3 weeks from 18th April admission   craeted a new normal and one which seemingly can continue. 

But when it finally comes to a close, it will be the finality of it that will take us all, and tehn we will truly see what we are made of. What drove us, sustained us and gave us some modicum of hope will dissipate....and we are left with teh grim looning loss of papa - our father figure , the very fabric of the family torn asunder. ...